I’ve been away for quite a while. I’ll post more on the reasons why later but for now I wanted to post something I was inspired to write a few days ago by someone on Twitter. So for Rareawards for the original inspiration and for Burnt Toast who gave me some well needed chuckles tonight, here is…
Trump Hits a Wall by Tamara McLanahan
He’d been in mid-tweet, one hand typing furiously, the other wrapped around a fat ham sandwich loaded with mustard. That’s the last thing he remembered before the blinding light. Opening one eye carefully, he saw a shimmering golden gate, a bemused man standing to the side of it, the letter P emblazoned on his flowing robes.
“Hey! DT called out, where in Hell am I?”
“I wouldn’t be in such a rush,” the figure intoned. “Quite a number of souls up here just wanted to have a last look…” he trailed off.
“I don’t know how this happened!”
“Well, you were gasping, shouting, ‘Heimlich, Heimlich’ as loud as you could, but not a single lazy, box of rocks came to your aid. They all thought you were suggesting a name for another empty Cabinet position.”
“Don’t you know who I am? I’m the greatest, the best…” DT stopped when he saw P laughing so hard the tears were rolling down his face.
“Oh, oh, sure, I get it”, muttering, he reached into his pocket. DT pulled out a large roll of $100 bills. Rubles, yen and KPWs came tumbling out as well.
“Put that away,” P waved his hand, “we don’t take those commodities here.”
“Yeah, of course, ok…how about a nice penthouse overlooking the Moskva? 50 mil easy, it’s huuge. Some new golf clubs too?”
“No, thank you.”
“Enough of you,” DT shouted, “I want to speak to your boss!”
“He’s a little busy right now.
“Too busy to see ME? Not possible. I’m huuuge!”
“Don’t worry, they’ll put you on a diet. And the heat will sweat some off too.”
DT narrowed his eyes, “Then give me the next one in charge,” he huffed.
P’s eyes crinkled in amusement. “He’s not a big fan either. Probably back from when he had to flee and seek asylum during his birth.”
DT cast a glance to each side of the gate. The Wall seemed to stretch forever. He wondered briefly who the builders were and how much it had cost until he saw thousands of eyes peering back at him. Some he thought he recognized from fake news articles and briefings. Waving those thoughts away, he turned back to P.
“What’s it gonna take to get inside? I know people, I can make anything happen!”
“Oh, how well we know that, sir. We’ve been watching. You made the trees in National forests disappear to loggers. Thousands of dolphins, whales and other sea creatures died from percussion tests to look for oil. Air quality and water purity declined, causing untold suffering and deaths. Methane and CO2 increased when you rolled back all those environmental protections. That’s going to make the planet pretty unlivable soon. Don’t get me started on how many species were affected by taking them off the Endangered Species list. Health care was decimated. You corrupted a lot of people, directed them to do your dirty work so your smallish hands stayed cleaner. And that’s just in the last couple of years…if we go back to the 70’s…”, P trailed off when he caught DT eyeing the Wall again.
“There must be SOMEBODY behind those gates to vouch for me!”
“Nope, nuh unh, nary a one. Sorry.”
DT sat down heavily on the ground. “Hey, I’m getting thirsty, can I have some water?”
“We normally don’t get lingerers here; most people have figured out they’re not wanted by this point. I just poured out the last few drops. That’s unfortunate, as your next stop has little to none.”
DT fumed, reached for his phone, ready to tweet his disgust when he realized he must have left it behind.
“I’d love to have you stay and chat, but time is a’wastin,” P said cheerily. I’ll have to say, ‘No posada’ which I do believe is the only Spanish you know but one consolation for you, Mr. T, you’ll sure have a lot of friends where you’re going. They’ve really been looking forward to this little reunion.”